It is day something-or-another and I haven’t blogged since day 39 which means it’s been well over two months since I’ve darkened this little corner of the internet. It’s because I have been ‘fabulously busy making fabulous plans’. Only take out the words “fabulously” and “fabulous”. Also, “making” and “plans”. And change the “b” and the “u” in “busy” to the letters “l” and “a”. Oh, and change the “s” to a “z”. Did you follow that? Basically I’ve just been lazy. I’m even too lazy to brainstorm something interesting to write about so I’ve padded this opening paragraph with a lot of ridiculousness so the whole post appears longer.
But, never you fear, I do have a few topics that will blow minds and probably earn me a Pulitzer: Dogs, Dishwashers, and DirecTV.
I bought Winston (my Springer Spaniel) from an Amish couple in Dover nearly five years ago. Straight forward, no surprises. Eisenhower was a side effect of the annual GMS Spring Festival. Somehow this itsy bitsy brown bundle of questionable breeding found his way out of the petting zoo and came home with me. He’s not so itsy anymore and is now a brown bundle of intense hyperactive energy. The breeding is still questionable. He has the face of a Collie, the habits of a Beagle; he snorts like a pig and can yelp in the highest pitched tone that I swear the windows in my house will eventually shatter. Together they make quite the dynamic duo, a couple of con-artists who look so sweet and innocent with their happy wagging tails all the while plotting their next escape route.
Life with a dog (or two) is always exciting. New things are discovered every day. For example, did you know you can stop wasting your money on store-bought, pre-packaged party confetti? Twenty-four rolls of toilet paper, meticulously shredded roll by roll will yield nearly the same results. Spending too much time on Facebook? No problem! Your dog would love to chew your laptop cord in half. And then chew the replacement cord you rush ordered from Amazon. Problem solved. Do you have trouble snoozing through your alarm clock? How about 50 pounds of fur leaping onto your chest at precisely 7 am each and every morning? Are you uncomfortable with prolonged periods of silence? A dog can stare out the window or through the fence at your neighbor’s cat and serenade you with barks and howls for indefinite amounts of time. Do you fancy an in-ground pool? Dogs would love to dig you not just one, but six or seven large round holes in your yard, just in time for a hurricane to fill with muddy water.
Oh, dogs. I do love mine, but some days…
On to dishwashers: Some times in life it’s the little things that bring happiness. In my case, it is the dishwasher. The last several places I have lived, the dishwasher was me and a bottle of Dawn. The first weekend I moved in, I literally had two bowls, one plate, and a few pieces of silverware that were dirty. I loaded them up and ran the dishwasher. Not very environmentally friendly (and I promise I haven’t done that since). But it was like a little gift, opening the door and watching the steam pour out and seeing the clean, shiny dishes perched neatly on the racks. I must say, I have enjoyed cooking and baking a lot more because I know I don’t have the cleanup to deal with after. Some may say that’s lazy. I say, change the “l” to an “h” and the “z” to a double “p”.
My third and probably most uninteresting topic is television. I survived for a long time with what is referred to as Amish Cable (CBS, ABC, Fox, and thirteen PBS-type channels). Could I really justify spending money on a monthly subscription that would only further entangle me in my gross obsession with mindless sitcoms and reality TV?
In short, yes. Because the Olympics were on and I couldn’t get NBC. Because Christmas was coming and a want to watch holiday movies. Because the History Channel is always playing some sort of docudrama based loosely on the actual events of World War II. Because when the History Channel is NOT playing something based loosely on actual historical events, it’s showing some bizarre crocodile hunter show. Seriously, what is up with that?
Having DirecTV, knowing that I now had to pay to watch, stressed me out at first. I felt like I was just throwing money out the window if I didn’t watch it at every possible moment. That’s how I discovered a couple of good, solid shows (“Copper” on BBC America), caught up with my favorite Irishman, Conan, and reunited with Andy Griffith and Lucille Ball. And eventually my stress went away. Until I discovered Cupcake Wars. My anxiety level is never higher than when I watch that show.
I had no clever segues between my three topics, and coincidentally, I do not have an end paragraph that neatly ties them all up into one, concise train of thought.
(Now, that was lazy.)